The meaning of ”Enryo”
The other day, a friend invited me to a BBQ party, but I was tired, so I declined (watashi wa enryo shimashita). Do you know what this "enryo" actually means? In the sentence above, "enryo shimashita" means "I turned down the invitation to the BBQ." According to the Daijirin dictionary, definition (1) is: "To refrain from or decline an action after considering the circumstances or situation." In my case, I decided not to go because of my circumstances at the time—being tired and the fact that it would get late.
You often see signs on trains or buses that say, "keitai no shiyou o go-enryo kudasai” (Please refrain from using mobile phones). This means, "Please stop using your phone out of consideration for the people around you." It’s the same for "Please refrain from smoking" in public places.
Furthermore, there is definition (2): "To be reserved in one's speech or behavior toward others." For example, if you visit a friend’s or partner’s house for the first time and meet their parents, anyone would feel (at least a little) nervous, right? In such a situation, even if you are offered delicious food or drinks, you wouldn’t just keep eating even if it's tasty. You would eat little by little while watching the other person’s reaction and wondering, "Is it okay if I eat this?" That feeling is enryo.
When you act that way, your friend’s or partner’s mother will likely say, "enryo shinaide tabete ne” . It means "Please don't be so reserved." In response, it would be good to say, "enryo naku, itadakimasu” (I'll gladly accept without hesitation).
Combining definitions (1) and (2), when someone says "enryo shite kudasai” (Please refrain from doing that), it is not a harsh command like "yamete kudasai (Stop it), but rather a softer way of saying, "Please have the consideration to think about the surrounding situation and other people’s feelings." While the actual meaning is "prohibited," it is a characteristically Japanese way of giving a roundabout warning.
Also, when using the expression "enryo sasete kudasai” (Allow me to decline) to turn down an invitation or offer, it combines (1) and (2). Instead of saying "I can't go" or "I can't do it" bluntly, it conveys the feeling of "I am sorry for having to decline."
Finally, let me introduce an interesting expression: "Enryo no Katamari"
Have you ever heard of it? For example, when you are sharing fried chicken with friends, have you ever had just one piece left on the plate? In that situation, have you ever hesitated about whether to eat that last piece? "It’s delicious, so I want to eat one more, but since it’s the last one, would it be rude to my friend if I took it? Does my friend want the last piece too? Maybe I should stop myself from eating it." The item that remains alone because of these feelings is called the "enryo no katamari."
Looking at it this way, the use of "enryo" clearly reflects the Japanese mindset. However, isn't this feeling of "enryo" universal? How do you express "enryo" in your language?